Spec Ad For

Original:

I AM NOT MEDICINE

At least one rhino is killed every day due to the mistaken belief that rhino horn can cure cancer and hangovers.

New:

I AM NOT MEDICINE

But I am delicious. Rhino meat is a lean and flavorful source of muscle building protein. Rhino, the other horse meat.

Excerpt from a war story I’m not writing, translated from English to Korean and back using Google Translate

Before:

Branson tells me nobody’s girl is waiting around for their man to come home in a flag-box. He tells me he left his girl before he went to basic. Unceremonious as he is, he’d slept with her best friend three days before delivering the bad news.

“Always need to give her a reason to hate you,” he chuckled. “I’m coming over here expecting death. Ain’t nobody’s chances are good these days. Where she would’ve felt sadness, now she’ll feel redemption. Hell, I’m a fucking martyr. Not a fucking martyr, but a fucking one!”

We all aspire to be real fucking heroes like Branson. He speaks with an extinguished cigarette hanging limp and wet between cracked lips. The silence that follows his sermon is broken by the secretary-bell from the other room. His whore was finished with the previous customer. He rises and walks quickly through a beaded-curtain doorway.

“Name on list?” The large Slavic woman shouts at me from behind a plexiglas window. I shake my head no and leave the shadowless halogen waiting room to try my luck at lighting a cigarette in the cold, early-winter damp.

Branson was not my first choice in friend, but he is what’s left. Death passed around the company like kindergarten strep this September. The moral ones went first. They were the ones who believed in the cause — maybe in war itself. I guess that’s why I’m still around.

I see a weeping mother carrying a legless boy across the street, and I think about how everything is shit.

After:

Branson says no one is waiting for her man to come home to the flag box. He tells him that he left his daughter before he went to base. He was not embarrassed, and he slept with his best friend 3 days before the bad news.

“I always need to give her a reason to hate you.” “I will come here in expectation of death.Isn’t anyone good nowadays? Where she felt grief, now she will feel redemption.Damn it, I’m a damn martyr.Not a fucking martyr, Person! ”

We all are eager to become a true fucking hero like Branson. He talks about an evolved cigarette that has torn or wet legs between broken lips. The silence following his sermon was broken by the secretary in another room. His prostitute finished with the previous customer. He ascends and walks through the beaded curtain doorway.

“The name on the list?” The big Slavic woman yelled at me from behind the Plexiglas window. Instead of shaking my head, I leave the shadowless halogen waiting room and smoke in the cold early winter dampness.

Branson was not the first choice of a friend, but there is something else left. He died in a company like Kindergarten chain sterilization in September this year. Moral people went first. They were people who believed in the cause – it would have been in the war itself. I guess that’s why I’m still around.

I see a foster mother burning a legless boy across the street, and I think everything is a shit.

Almost Made It –

Dear Frank,

Thanks for giving me this chance, I promise I’m going to work my ass off to write some really good shit for you to read. I swear I will. I’m sorry I haven’t yet. It’s not my fault though. When I wrote you last, I was in a really dark place—I couldn’t help but think the morbid thoughts that create unfiltered, brilliant masterpieces. But then things started getting better. I’m dating again after a rough breakup. I’ve been going to events on weekends. I’ve been feeling my age again. I want to move freely and meet people. I want to feel the warmth of other fleshy human beings on me. I know that achieving my lifelong goal of being an accomplished writer who’s respected for his intelligence and contributions to society will help me achieve this goal, but I’ve also realized that lifting heavier weights at the gym does just as well.

I will get you those writing samples, Frank, but I haven’t due to an as-of-yet unmedicated and undiagnosed case of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

Yours,

Daniel