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Original:

I AM NOT MEDICINE

At least one rhino is killed every day due to the mistaken belief that rhino horn can cure cancer and hangovers.

New:

I AM NOT MEDICINE

But I am delicious. Rhino meat is a lean and flavorful source of muscle building protein. Rhino, the other horse meat.

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Young Jeezy’s To-Do List

1. Stack my flow
2. Stack some mo’
3. End business for the evening and take inventory
4. Hide a portion of the day’s revenue at my aunt’s house for tax purposes and liquid availability
5. Go home, take a shower, and find a designated driver for the evening’s revelries. Likely my friend Brandon. Brandon swore-off drugs and alcohol last month after the rocky conclusion of a drawn-out breakup. I’m personally in favor of this transition, as I now have a reliable, sober ride on weekends.
6. Go to a club with the express purpose of finding a sex partner. My primary means of persuasion will be my notoriety, designer sunglasses (despite being indoors), and, of course, wads of cash from my aunt’s house.
7. Take said individual back to my house for intercourse. I’ll probably need to invite Brandon in as well, at least for a little bit so he doesn’t feel completely objectified as my personal taxi driver. It’s tough. I want to be a good friend but at the same time indulge in my selfish pastimes. I hope he gets over Martha soon. But not too soon. See item 5.
8. Ask sexual partner to leave at 3:45 AM. I’ll explain that flow stacking takes lazer sharp focus and a well rested mind. Also that I have sleep apnea and they’ll sleep better at home anyway.

Bernie Sanders Supporter Votes Clinton to Ensure Shirt’s Coolness

April 19, 2016

Outside a polling station at an elderly care facility in Bushwick, Brooklyn Tuesday, 24-year-old Cleveland transplant, Daniel Stern, was asked what about the Sanders campaign inspired him to give his support.

“It’s really a matter of Bernie vs. Hillary as human beings,” Stern said. “As far as what they’d be able to accomplish in the White House, I’m afraid neither will get anything of significance done with Congress in its current state. The fact is, Bernie says what he says because he truly believes it’s the best thing to do. Hillary says what she says because it’s what she thinks will get her elected—Hillary does what she does simply to look cool, whereas Bernie is the real deal. People see that and they like Bernie.”

Stern was wearing a blue Bernie Sanders t-shirt he had recently purchased from the campaign’s online store. “It picked up some bleach stains in the wash, but I’ll continue to wear it proudly. Bernie wouldn’t care so neither do I—we aren’t 1-percenters.”

White Millennial males, like Daniel Stern, have been one of Bernie’s largest supporting demographics since the campaign’s beginning, but to have a chance of pulling off an upset at the DNC, he will need to appeal to a more diverse audience.

When asked if he thought Bernie would upset Clinton that night in the polls, Stern said it would not happen. “Democrats are smart, we think in future terms. We think about all possible consequences.”

When pressed for examples, Stern revealed he had just voted Clinton. Upon further questioning, he said “Hey, I’ve been pulling so much liberal tail with this shirt, just imagine what’ll happen when Bernie becomes an abandoned icon in political subculture.”

We asked if he thought this to be an immoral voting strategy. “Listen, a Democrat in the White House is good enough. Hillary is good enough. My uncle Jerry would be good enough. Sometimes you have to play both sides to get what you want. I want that wet. Bernie would understand — that’s politics.”

*Correction: An earlier version of this story misquoted Stern’s shirt as having “cum stains.”