Cards by Daniel (Redux): 30% darker, because everyone dies.

Last year I applied for a job as a card writer at American Greetings. I conceptualized a couple-dozen cards for my portfolio submission (see pt. 1 below).

This year I live in New York, I’m no longer unemployed, and I have lost all sense of human empathy. Pain is temporary, but cards are forever.

Cards for Small Children of Good Friends

Front
Happy Birthday, Kiddo, God isn’t real!

Inside
But Hell is.
______________________________________________
Front
Happy First Communion

Inside
Not.
______________________________________________
Front
Happy 1st Birthday, princess!

Inside
You will have 11 more.
______________________________________________
Front
A Birthday Surprise for You!

Inside
I’m 30% sure you’re my kid.
______________________________________________
Front
As you get older, you’ll realize that some things are forever.

Inside
Heads up: Your parents’ marriage isn’t one of them.
______________________________________________

Valentines Cards to Ex-Lovers

Front
I just wanted to remind you—

Inside
How much I genuinely hated your parents.
______________________________________________
Front
I’ll always remember the time we spent together

Inside
Which is why I’m taking these pills
______________________________________________

Front
I heard you were doing well—

Inside
So I stuck more pins in the doll
______________________________________________

Front
Lately I’ve been feeling lonely

Inside
So I slept with my Ex from before you
______________________________________________

Front
When I think of what we were and what we could’ve been, I tend to wonder..

Inside
What if the Mayans were right?
______________________________________________

Front
I still find your things in my apartment from time to time

Inside
And when I do, I destroy them without emotion
______________________________________________
Front
I wanted to start a family with you

Inside
But my bloodline deserves better
______________________________________________

Front
Sometimes, I wonder where we went wrong.

Inside
But then I remember the last six years of my life and don’t care.
______________________________________________
Front
Lets give us another shot

Inside
Strictly because I’m horny
______________________________________________

Valentines Cards to Budding Love Interests

Front
Let’s take this to the next level

Inside
And tell me how many men you’ve slept with
______________________________________________

Front
I want you to be my girlfriend

Inside
But fair warning, you’ll never meet my parents.
______________________________________________

Front
Be mine

Inside
As long as your okay with me having more than just you
______________________________________________

Front
Serious question—

Inside
Did you used to be fat?
______________________________________________

Front
I really like you

Inside
And I’m sure my wife will too
______________________________________________

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