Bernie Sanders Supporter Votes Clinton to Ensure Shirt’s Coolness

April 19, 2016

Outside a polling station at an elderly care facility in Bushwick, Brooklyn Tuesday, 24-year-old Cleveland transplant, Daniel Stern, was asked what about the Sanders campaign inspired him to give his support.

“It’s really a matter of Bernie vs. Hillary as human beings,” Stern said. “As far as what they’d be able to accomplish in the White House, I’m afraid neither will get anything of significance done with Congress in its current state. The fact is, Bernie says what he says because he truly believes it’s the best thing to do. Hillary says what she says because it’s what she thinks will get her elected—Hillary does what she does simply to look cool, whereas Bernie is the real deal. People see that and they like Bernie.”

Stern was wearing a blue Bernie Sanders t-shirt he had recently purchased from the campaign’s online store. “It picked up some bleach stains in the wash, but I’ll continue to wear it proudly. Bernie wouldn’t care so neither do I—we aren’t 1-percenters.”

White Millennial males, like Daniel Stern, have been one of Bernie’s largest supporting demographics since the campaign’s beginning, but to have a chance of pulling off an upset at the DNC, he will need to appeal to a more diverse audience.

When asked if he thought Bernie would upset Clinton that night in the polls, Stern said it would not happen. “Democrats are smart, we think in future terms. We think about all possible consequences.”

When pressed for examples, Stern revealed he had just voted Clinton. Upon further questioning, he said “Hey, I’ve been pulling so much liberal tail with this shirt, just imagine what’ll happen when Bernie becomes an abandoned icon in political subculture.”

We asked if he thought this to be an immoral voting strategy. “Listen, a Democrat in the White House is good enough. Hillary is good enough. My uncle Jerry would be good enough. Sometimes you have to play both sides to get what you want. I want that wet. Bernie would understand — that’s politics.”

*Correction: An earlier version of this story misquoted Stern’s shirt as having “cum stains.”

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