Cards by Daniel (Redux): 30% darker, because everyone dies.

Last year I applied for a job as a card writer at American Greetings. I conceptualized a couple-dozen cards for my portfolio submission (see pt. 1 below).

This year I live in New York, I’m no longer unemployed, and I have lost all sense of human empathy. Pain is temporary, but cards are forever.

Cards for Small Children of Good Friends

Front
Happy Birthday, Kiddo, God isn’t real!

Inside
But Hell is.
______________________________________________
Front
Happy First Communion

Inside
Not.
______________________________________________
Front
Happy 1st Birthday, princess!

Inside
You will have 11 more.
______________________________________________
Front
A Birthday Surprise for You!

Inside
I’m 30% sure you’re my kid.
______________________________________________
Front
As you get older, you’ll realize that some things are forever.

Inside
Heads up: Your parents’ marriage isn’t one of them.
______________________________________________

Valentines Cards to Ex-Lovers

Front
I just wanted to remind you—

Inside
How much I genuinely hated your parents.
______________________________________________
Front
I’ll always remember the time we spent together

Inside
Which is why I’m taking these pills
______________________________________________

Front
I heard you were doing well—

Inside
So I stuck more pins in the doll
______________________________________________

Front
Lately I’ve been feeling lonely

Inside
So I slept with my Ex from before you
______________________________________________

Front
When I think of what we were and what we could’ve been, I tend to wonder..

Inside
What if the Mayans were right?
______________________________________________

Front
I still find your things in my apartment from time to time

Inside
And when I do, I destroy them without emotion
______________________________________________
Front
I wanted to start a family with you

Inside
But my bloodline deserves better
______________________________________________

Front
Sometimes, I wonder where we went wrong.

Inside
But then I remember the last six years of my life and don’t care.
______________________________________________
Front
Lets give us another shot

Inside
Strictly because I’m horny
______________________________________________

Valentines Cards to Budding Love Interests

Front
Let’s take this to the next level

Inside
And tell me how many men you’ve slept with
______________________________________________

Front
I want you to be my girlfriend

Inside
But fair warning, you’ll never meet my parents.
______________________________________________

Front
Be mine

Inside
As long as your okay with me having more than just you
______________________________________________

Front
Serious question—

Inside
Did you used to be fat?
______________________________________________

Front
I really like you

Inside
And I’m sure my wife will too
______________________________________________

Bernie Sanders Supporter Votes Clinton to Ensure Shirt’s Coolness

April 19, 2016

Outside a polling station at an elderly care facility in Bushwick, Brooklyn Tuesday, 24-year-old Cleveland transplant, Daniel Stern, was asked what about the Sanders campaign inspired him to give his support.

“It’s really a matter of Bernie vs. Hillary as human beings,” Stern said. “As far as what they’d be able to accomplish in the White House, I’m afraid neither will get anything of significance done with Congress in its current state. The fact is, Bernie says what he says because he truly believes it’s the best thing to do. Hillary says what she says because it’s what she thinks will get her elected—Hillary does what she does simply to look cool, whereas Bernie is the real deal. People see that and they like Bernie.”

Stern was wearing a blue Bernie Sanders t-shirt he had recently purchased from the campaign’s online store. “It picked up some bleach stains in the wash, but I’ll continue to wear it proudly. Bernie wouldn’t care so neither do I—we aren’t 1-percenters.”

White Millennial males, like Daniel Stern, have been one of Bernie’s largest supporting demographics since the campaign’s beginning, but to have a chance of pulling off an upset at the DNC, he will need to appeal to a more diverse audience.

When asked if he thought Bernie would upset Clinton that night in the polls, Stern said it would not happen. “Democrats are smart, we think in future terms. We think about all possible consequences.”

When pressed for examples, Stern revealed he had just voted Clinton. Upon further questioning, he said “Hey, I’ve been pulling so much liberal tail with this shirt, just imagine what’ll happen when Bernie becomes an abandoned icon in political subculture.”

We asked if he thought this to be an immoral voting strategy. “Listen, a Democrat in the White House is good enough. Hillary is good enough. My uncle Jerry would be good enough. Sometimes you have to play both sides to get what you want. I want that wet. Bernie would understand — that’s politics.”

*Correction: An earlier version of this story misquoted Stern’s shirt as having “cum stains.”