Cards: By Daniel

Everybody loves getting a card.  Cards are sweet.  Sometimes they make you laugh, sometimes they foster a romantic connection, and sometimes the simple act of receiving paper mail makes you become aware of your place as a sentient being struggling for recognition in a world ruled by equal parts oligarchy and chaos.  Cards are sweet, and when you’re done with them, you can use the stiff paper to trap spiders under jars and release them humanely.

But more than anything, a card is a gesture.  Sending a card is like saying, “Hey, don’t worry! Somebody knows you exist!”  However, years of in-depth quantitative regression analysis have revealed absolutely no correlation between the emotion experienced when receiving a card, and what the card says.  With this knowledge in mind, here are some two-way cards — these are just as fun for the sender as for the (at times) very specific intended recipient.

A birthday card for an older friend you haven’t seen in a while:

Front – Happy Birthday!

Inside – You’re aging with grace and everyone hates you for it.

A card for a wedding you couldn’t attend:

Front – Sorry I couldn’t make it…

Inside – I heard the food was fantastic.

A birthday card for a friend’s kid who is too young to read or care about birthday cards:

Front – Happy Birthday Buddy!

Inside – You stole my best friend.

Front – Happy birthday kiddo!

Inside – Your dad owes me money.

Front – Happy birthday princess!

Inside – The Monarchy will return over my stiffened corpse — God Bless America!

High School graduation card for the kid of an old friend:

Front – Esteemed Graduate…

Inside – Wising you great success in your collegiate career — PS I might actually be your father.

High School graduation card from affluent parents to their graduating child:

Front – The Next Step is a Big One…

Inside – Because you’re paying for it yourself lol.

B’nai Mitzvot:

Front – Mazel Tov! You’re an adult!

Inside – Which should terrify you.

Front – Mazel Tov! You’re an adult!

Inside – And I don’t give adults presents.

Belated Birthday:

Front – Sorry I forgot your birthday.

Inside – Will $5.00 make it better?

Sympathy card for the death of a family friend’s pet:

Front – My condolences for your loss.

Inside – (Insert pet name) was the only one of you all with a shot at heaven.

College Graduation:

Front – An education is never a waste.

Inside – Except in your case.

Valentine’s Day card to a single, platonic friend:

Front – Thinking of you on this Valentine’s Day…

Inside – Because you still have my tennis racquet.

Silver (25th) Anniversary Card

Front – Congratulations on your Silver Anniversary

Inside – Maybe now she’ll let you fart in bed.

Birthday for an older lady or gentleman:

Front – What do you give the man (or woman) who has everything?

Inside – Diabetes lol.

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